Rules for living are beliefs we hold about ourselves others and the world around us they often present as standards we hold for ourselves and others and are reflective of values we hold.
Rules for living often develop through childhood experiences or we may learn them from others around us.
Holding rules for living and assumptions is part of being human and we all hold them in some way or another. Flexible ‘rules’ that are more like guides that reflect our values can help guide our behaviours towards doing the things that are important to us. They can also help us to establish boundaries with others or promote healthy communication based on our wants/needs.
When can rules for living pose a problem to mental health?
When they lack flexibility
Rules often begin with ‘I should’ or ‘I must’ and not living up to the standard can be seen as evidence of failure which in turn can have an impact on our confidence. Rules strictly held don’t allow for compassion, taking into account human nature or day-to-day life circumstances, they are black and white and the nuances/grey areas are overlooked.
Should and must statements also place pressure on us and can bring up feelings of failure guilt or anxiety, this can take the enjoyment out of what we are doing or lead to us not prioritising our well-being.
Examples
I must go to the gym every day
I should work hard for 8 hours every day
I must always please others.
When we expect others to live by the rules that we hold
Everyone has their own set of rules and different life experiences. Expecting others to hold the same rules as us can cause upset frustration and conflict, no one is perfect and placing inflexible rules on others can have similar outcomes and bring up similar feelings to when we place the rules on ourselves. What problems do you think the examples below could pose and how could they be made more flexible?
Examples
My friends should always listen to my problems
We should never have problems in our relationship
If someone cares about me they will always do the things I do for them for me.
Communicating to others the things that are important to us whilst having respect for and being mindful of nuances, the things that are important to them, human nature and the different ways we communicate can help to bring peace and harmony to relationships.
When the rules are in place to protect us from core beliefs/negative beliefs about ourselves.
Some rules for living developed as a result of difficult experiences we have had in our early lives and serve as a way of protecting us from the core beliefs that these experiences formed. Below is an example.
Early experience – Bullying at school
Core belief that developed as a result – I am not worthy
Rule developed to protect from the core belief – I must always have the highest possible standards or I will never do anything well.
Consequences – the pressure to be perfect could lead to burnout or avoidance, and the person does not experience circumstances that could provide evidence to disprove the core belief.
When rules serve this protective function they tend to
- Lack flexibility
- Are held very strongly
- Are held to unattainable or very high standards
- Breaking the rule greatly impacts mood/mental health as the core belief is activated.
Differences in rules flexibly held.
- They act as guides
- They do not feel strict or critical
- They are not black and white, they take into account nuances in experience.
How can CBT help with adjusting your rules for living?
CBT can be useful in identifying the rules that are held, where they come from and the impact they are having. Sometimes we may be living by inflexible rules without realising it, we may notice difficulties within our mood or relationships but not be sure why.
CBT can be helpful in supporting you to adjust the rule and bring flexibility to it, retaining the valuable parts so that it begins to act as a guide. Within therapy, we would then discuss and plan changes to your behaviour that the more flexible rule would prompt.
If you are struggling with low mood or depression and would like to access CBT, please contact me via my email address or the contact form on my website.